The Big Secret

It was March, 1989. I was about my usual business in the kitchen. Saul was in the front bedroom and the baby was playing in the living room. Saul came out and went into the back bedroom of the house and called me. He was lying on the bed making motion to me to look at his chest. I had no idea what I was supposed to look for, so I asked him. He continued to motion to me to look. It appeared as though he couldn't speak. I said I had no idea what he was saying and just sat there in total confusion staring at him. Then he said that his heart had stopped, (I'm thinking, "If his heart has stopped how come he's alive?"). I offered to call for help but he said no.

The baby started to fuss in the living room. Saul said to me that the baby knew what was going on and that he was trying to distract us. He then said he was going to make the child stop. He lifted up his hand and said out loud "Stop!" Nothing happened. He did it a second time, still nothing, so he sent me to get the baby. When I went to get him, he was up on the dining table and because he couldn't get down he was fussing. So I took the baby and brought him to Saul who took him and placed him between himself and the wall. Then Saul lit a joint (marijuana) and smoked it and gave it to me to smoke. When it was finished he told me to take the butt and chew it and swallow it.

Then he bade me lie down beside him and said that he was going to take us all back home to God. He said for me to listen and I will hear, "His voice." (Rest assured I never heard any audible voice). The baby started to fuss again and Saul said he would send the baby back to God. He said, "Do you want to send him back?" I said yes, thinking that would be some miracle to behold. The next thing I knew he was over the baby, suffocating him. I was shocked, that was certainly NOT what I had in mind. I have no idea how long the baby was unconscious for. I asked if the baby had gone, he said yes. I asked, "Is he ok?" He said yes.

I expected I was going to be next and I had no idea how this was going to be accomplished. I was not a helpless baby he could suffocate. Meanwhile, he was saying how "...they will come and stare at us." I asked, "Who?" He said, "People". He said, "When we die, people will come around and stare at us." He said a lot of things but I don't remember everything. This is one incident I blocked from my mind for years. For six years I never breathed a word about this to anyone. It was our secret, and there was an unspoken agreement.

I don't know how many minutes went by then the baby started to gasp for breath. I started to cry, saying "I don't want him to suffer, I don't want him to suffer." I remember wanting to go to the bathroom badly. I asked if it was alright to go and Saul said yes. I went and when I came back he said it was over and to take the baby. Somehow I felt I had failed him.

Another day he called me into the bedroom and played a tape of a conversation he had with a psychic. In the interview, he told the psychic that he didn't love me and that he would leave me. The psychic was concerned and asked, "What about poor Vishwanie, what will happen to her?" To which Saul replied that he would support us when he leaves. The psychic told him that I wouldn't allow him to leave me. After hearing the tape, I let him go. That was the only reason why he played the tape to me. I called the psychic to tell him what I thought about his advice to Saul and he invited me to go and see him in person. I asked my brother to give me a ride and the psychic gave me a free reading. I left there more upset than before. I gave Saul what he wanted. He moved out. He still came by for food and sex.

Now on my own again, I decided to seek the Truth for myself. The first place I looked was in my own backyard. I borrowed my mother's Gita (a Hindu religious book) and read it. I had read stories of Ram and Sita, and Shiva and Krishna and other Hindu Gods when I was in high school. There were comic book versions of these stories floating around and I had read them all.

Now in my mom's Gita I found a lot of human knowledge and enlightenment but I could not find God's forgiveness and I needed God's forgiveness desperately. Nor was there any mention of death, hell and judgment, since it teaches reincarnation and the way out of the cycle - by living the perfect life - their definition of perfect, that is, [righteousness based on works not faith]. The Gita also teaches the "Caste" system, which is based on skin colour - another form of racism.

The Jehovah witnesses came to my door and I invited them in and did some Bible studies with them. They couldn't offer me God's forgiveness because as I learned later, their doctrine is based on works as well. I found their interpretation of the Bible to be very strange. They couldn't answer some of the questions I had, and if they couldn't then I was not going to waste my time with them. I kept looking, searching.

I met a Muslim guy at work and asked him if he could get me a Qu'ran to read, and he did. Two things happened that made me get that religion out of my mind. One, a lot of weird things started to happen when that book was brought into my home. I was superstitious at the time. And two, when I attempted to read it, it made no sense to me. So I returned it to the guy and when he graciously offered to let me keep the book, I graciously declined. It was the same when I got a Book of Mormon and attempted to read it. It too made absolutely no sense at all. So I kept looking, searching.

I looked at Buddhism, which believes in reincarnation but doesn't believe in God, but in reaching the state of Nirvana. The Baha'i faith, the Native Indians worship of the Great Spirit and Mother Earth, etc. Not one could offer me God's forgiveness. Not one could take away the guilt in my heart and the fear of judgment, death and hell. Not one of them could give me something precious enough to fill that huge void in my heart. My heart was open to all truths, but I had not found that One Truth that was Absolute. That One that could minister to my need and I had no intention of settling for less than the Absolute Truth, since one, Saul Rodriguez, who claimed to know the Truth, didn't know it at all. So I kept looking, searching.

My dad came to stay with us, and then my fourth brother came from Guyana and stayed with us, also. Saul had move out, he filed for divorce saying he would let me have Alexandre if I would give him legal sole custody, I agreed. I still cooked for him. He still slept over when he felt like it and still wanted sex and that is all it was - sex. I got pregnant and he had me abort the baby. The following October 1989, we moved to another, much better house. Same arrangement. This time my mother came to stay with us as well. I couldn't live with my mother. She was a meddler and always wanted to know what was going on and I was not about to open up to anyone, especially her. There were many quarrels and I was very mean to my mother, too.

Now, Saul told me he had another girlfriend and we fought bitterly over this girlfriend. One night, he and my brother didn't come home from work. The next day I went to work, they still hadn't come home. I received a call at work from Saul saying he was in jail and for me to get his friend to bail him out. I left work early, and kept saying to God over and over again not to punish Saul for my iniquity. That evening his friend bailed him out.

I learned he was arrested for breaking and entering and stealing. He was the supervisor on the night shift at the company where he worked. However, he was staying after the shift was over and doing his own work and he had others working with him. They were all arrested. He had also stolen some equipment from the company. After he was released, he started his own business in the garage and basement of the house in which my parents and I lived. I still cooked for him and he still came for sex when he had nothing better to do.

Eventually he got a place for the business and opened shop. He said he wanted his best friend, and I, for partners. Then he decided he didn't want me in so he kicked me out and borrowed money form his mother and her new husband, a young man she had met and married. So what ever I invested in his business was lost.

He had to report every Wednesday at the Reporting Centre, downtown, until the case went to trial. One day a Spanish girl knocked on my door. She had Alexandre in her arms. I took him from her and asked her where Saul was. I knew instantly that she was the girlfriend he had told me about. Apparently he had given the wrong address and the Reporting Centre was holding him until they could verify his address. A police cruiser came up to our house hours later and one of the cops came to my door and knocked. They had Saul in the cruiser. The cop asked me to verify that Saul lived with me and asked me to verify our phone number. I told him I wanted to see Saul, so he took me out to sit in the back with Saul and we talked. Then they told me they were going to arrest him and I could arrange bail for him.

They left with him and I called his friend, but since I didn't know where he was held I had to wait until I heard from him. When I did hear from him, the cops had released him. I asked him how come they let him go. He said that they just drove around with him and he talked to them and they decided to release him. Charismatic people can get anyone to do anything for them! When I saw him again, I gave him a piece of my mind about that Spanish girl and him taking Alexandre to see her.

I arranged for my parents to receive social assistance, because I was the only one working in the household. Since Saul's money all went into his business, he couldn't support me. The money I received from working had to pay the rent, bills, etc. Once my parents started receiving benefits, they moved out and I was left alone with Alex. I got pregnant and this time Saul said, "You better take care of it." I wanted to keep this baby, but I was afraid of what he would do. So I made the arrangement, went to the hospital alone and came home by cab in time to pick up Alex from the baby sitter.

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