I couldn't afford the $1K a month rent, so I found a one-bedroom
apartment and moved as well. Less than a year later the rent was being raised, so I had to find another place and move. This
time the rent was $650. per month. It is said that things must get worse before they get better; I suppose it was so in this
case. I didn't realize it then when I was going through it, but now in hindsight I must have been in an emotional depression.
A depression that extended from just after my pregnancy in January of 1987, up until my conversion in February 1996.
It was now 1991, and I had finally said no to Sauls sexual advances and he had gone home to Guyana and married his
virgin, who sees visions. I simply existed, like a shell, a zombie. I took care of Alex. I took him to daycare, went to work,
and picked him up, brought him home, cooked, cleaned, and bathed Alex fed him. I also experienced great difficulty getting
through to Alexandre. I thought I was doing something wrong or that I was a bad mother. After all we tend to believe what
we hear others tell us and Saul always told me I couldn't raise Alexandre and that I was not a good mother. Alex was three
years old and still he wasn't talking or verbalizing much. I was at my wits end. I didn't know what to do to get through to
this child. We were isolated so I wallowed in self-pity. I couldn't even think about my situation without crying, much less
talk about it. No matter where I was. I'd be riding on the bus or just sitting down eating, and I'd be crying.
night I was reading Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs to Alex, when he suddenly began to cry. When I asked why he was crying
he said, "My dad." I told him I would get his dad the next day. The next day he forgot but not for long. He asked a second
time for his dad, and this time I didn't waste any time. I called his dad to arrange for Alex to visit him. Saul came for
him and a few weeks later he said he wanted Alex to live with him, because I couldn't take care of Alex.
I agreed and let Alex go to live with his dad. That December, my second brother, the same one with whom I grew up and had
just recently gotten in contact, invited us to the Bahamas where he and his wife were now teaching. I tried to contact Saul
to tell him but he would not speak to me on the phone nor would he allow me to see Alex. I spoke to my father-in-law who was
the middleman in our dealings with each other.
I went over to Saul's workshop to speak with him about taking Alex
with me to the Bahamas for Christmas and he refused to let me have him. We stood outside arguing and I spat on him. He hit
me across the mouth and drew blood and I spat on him again and said, "The blood be on you." He told me to wipe off the bloody
spittle from of his leather jacket and then he would let me have Alex. Then he told me to go inside the shop and clean up.
Alex and my father-in-law were in there. I asked Alex if he would like to come with me and he said yes. I told my father-in-law
what happened and then I left.
I guess after I left my father-in-law spoke to Saul because he allowed me to have Alex
after that and after we came back from our trip to the Bahamas, I kept Alex with me and Saul didn't try to take him from me.
I guess I owed that to his dad for Saul always listened to his dad.
My brother, helped with the purchasing of
tickets to visit them in the Bahamas. We had an enjoyable time, marred only by the fact that there still was no relationship
between my brother and me. Even though we talked, it was like talking to an acquaintance. I don't think I even shared the
fact that I had to fight with Saul to get Alex so he could come with me. My sister-in-law, ever the communicator, made us
feel comfortable. We spent Christmas then left just before the New Year. They had not changed.
One night I went to
a Latin night club. I wanted desperately to meet Mr. Right. I thought I'd check out a club and see if my Mr. Right was hanging
out there. I did meet a couple of guys, but the one I liked didn't seem interested. His friend apparently was the one looking
to pickup someone, but I wasn't interested in him. The one I liked gave me his phone number and the next day I called
him. He told me he lived with his sister and brother-in-law and two kids. He arranged to come over to see me and to go see
a movie. When he showed up he didn't stay five minutes, then said he had to leave, that he had hit someone's car and he had
to give them his insurance number and that he'd be back. He never came back.
I figured that that sister he was living
with was probably his wife. He thought I was probably just looking to get laid. When he realized I wasn't looking to get laid,
but I was interested in something more meaningful, he ran. I thought something was wrong with me. I withdrew into my shell
again and this time, it was dark in there. I would close my eyes at night and just feel darkness all around me. In the past
when I closed my eyes at night I would sense a presence with me. Even in the daytime there was that presence, now it was gone.
I felt scared because I knew something was wrong and I knew no doctor could help me, because my problem was not physical.
My problem was sin. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep.
Since Saul had told me so long ago not to trust the Church,
I turned to a psychic for help. Saul had consulted psychics before, so I thought it was ok. I went to a psychic named Paula,
who turned out to be about my age or younger. A co-worker had told me about Paula and how good she was, so I went to see her
and sure enough she was better than I anticipated. She said to me, "There is more to you than meets the eye." She told me
about the darkness around me and asked me if I would like her to look into the cause of it. Figuring I had nothing to loose,
I said yes. She told me to call her back in three days.
Three days later I called and she asked me to come and see
her. When I arrived, the first question she asked me was, "Are you the oldest or youngest in your family?" I asked her why,
she said that she looked into the matter and that "Some people who did not get along with your family, put something on your
family so that the youngest or oldest child wouldn't be happy." That was all it took to convince me. I knew our neighbour
on our left side of the house hated us. I also knew that they, at one time wanted their daughter to marry my oldest brother
and my parents didn't agree. After the girl attempted suicide, they have hated our family with a passion. So what the psychic
told me made a lot of sense, I told her I was the youngest child.
She said that the people who did this to us did
it a long time ago and that this thing had been there a long time. She called it black work meaning black magic and she said
she could turn it around using white work meaning white magic. When she asked if I wanted her to do the white work I hesitated.
She told me to think about it and call her later. I went home and thought about it. I reasoned in my heart with God.
I said, "Father, I don't know if it is your will that I should let this girl help me, or not". I so desperately wanted to
do what was right. I thought maybe this was God's way of helping me. If He could use Balaam's ass to speak to Balaam, He could
use a psychic to help me. I figured I had nothing to loose by trying this so I called the girl and told her to go ahead.
said she was going to pray for me and she wanted to see me in a few days. That same night I was awakened in the early hours
of the morning. I felt the darkness broke. I was shocked because I didn't realize just how great that thing was hanging
over me. I guess I was getting used to it hanging around my neck like a dead albatross. The next day my appetite was back.
When I went to see her she gave me some incense, a candle and bath-salt and holy water, (she was Catholic) to use around the
house. She said it was to cleanse the home. She told me the cost would be $700. I got the money from my parents, telling them
I was using it for an investment. I told them if the investment failed, I would give them back the money but if it didn't
I won't give them back. I felt that they or my oldest brother should pay not me, since I had nothing to do with the people
who did this to me. I am blessed with parents who truly love their children and are not selfish with their money.
the psychic told me not to tell anyone about this business so I told no one anything. I later told my parents, after the fact,
when they asked about the money. For two years this went on. I think I ended up paying her an additional $400, over that two
years but I felt it was worth the money. For the first time in my life I weighed over a hundred pounds, I actually felt better.
I also started to come out of my shell and was generally livelier. So much so that, that same year, 1992, Alex and I went
back to Guyana for Christmas and came back after the New Year, 1993.
I met a young man named Jay, but that relationship didn't last. Mainly
because he believed in Hinduism and I believed in the God of the Bible. He was in university and wasn't ready to settle down.
When I got pregnant we decided to have an abortion. Jay was also his mother's pet. She hated me because I was older,
and divorced with a child. I was not good enough for her son. She used to tell me she would get her gun out and shoot me.
Jokingly of course, but I got the message. After I ended the relationship with her son, her attitude towards me completely
changed. She actually treated me with respect.
At this time, Saul wanted Alexandre to go to Catholic school, for he
said Catholic school was better than public school. Saul had been baptized in the Catholic Church, or so he said. He had no
baptismal certificate to show so either Alex had to be baptized or one of us. I investigated at the church across the street
from where I lived and learned that I had to get instructions. So I went for the instructions and on April 2, 1994, at the
Easter Mass at the Immaculate Conception Church, in front of the congregation, I was baptized in the "Name of The Father,
Son and Holy Spirit". I also received my first Holy Communion and confirmation all at the same time. Nothing spectacular happened.
Heaven did not open but I certainly meant the vows up there, in spite of the fact that I had an ulterior motive for getting
baptized in the Catholic Church. The one thing that I always remember about the service is what the priest said about the
baptismal gown, "Wear this gown and bring it unstained with you to the Lord in heaven..." figuratively speaking of course.
July 1, 1994, we moved into a brand spanking new two-bedroom apartment, in a housing co-op. For the first time I felt
like I was getting my life back on track. I still saw Paula the psychic and she had me use the incense and candles in my new
home. The following month we went to New York to visit my sister and I met the cousin of an acquaintance of mine. Joe's cousin, seemed
like a nice guy, and I was attracted to him, physically that is. After a week in New York we returned home.
in contact with another potential Mr. Right through a telephone dating service. Ray was Canadian and claimed to be a Born
Again Christian. Meanwhile, my friend's cousin in New York invited us to visit him for a couple of weeks. We spent almost
two weeks at his place. He was a very good host. He kept his house neat and clean and even cooked for us. Two things about
him turned me off, however. One, he smoked and drank and two, he got angry at a kid and yelled profanity at him then turned
around and apologized to me. I wasn't impressed. The biggest obstacle though was that he had no desire for the God of the
Bible and to me that was the most important thing. I still spoke to Ray on the phone from New York and I liked the fact that
he talked about God even though he was very opinionated.
I decided I was going to date Ray, so I cut short my two
weeks visit with the gentleman in New York, and came home. That September 1994, Alex began attending Our Lady of the Assumption
Catholic School. Ray was living in Nova Scotia and decided to move to Toronto at the end of October 1994. He came down from
Nova Scotia and visited me. The first thing I noticed about Ray was that he didn't look me in the eye. He spent the night
on Alex's bed and left after breakfast the next day. I didn't hear from him until three days later. By then I was dying to
hear from him.
When he called, I invited him over to dinner. Over dinner I said two things to him that are worth mentioning.
One is that he was "harbouring demons," and two, he was welcomed "to live with us". He did a few days later, on November 4,
1994. All the while I am thinking this is too good to be true. I was in for a very rude awakening. Ray had no desire for sex.
I was devastated. His explanation - he still wasn't over his last relationship, which according to him was very painful. I
think I kept him around for the companionship.
It was from him that I heard about the Spirit of God. He talked a lot
about God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and I listened and bore what he said in my heart. I told my parents that I was living
with someone, so that kind of made it official.
January 1995, I received a call from the phone company. Someone had
been making 1-900 calls from my phone number, did I know about it, they asked. I said no, but I know who made them and that
the calls were made without my prior knowledge or consent and to put a block on the line. That night when Ray came home from
"pounding the pavement," I pulled up a chair, sat down and quietly told him that what he had done was despicable especially
for someone who claimed to be a child of God. He rebounded rather well. He actually agreed with me that the act was despicable
and promised to pay the bill, etc. I had to laugh. He was so flippant about it.
I had a jar ¾ full of loose change,
mostly quarters and loonies (one dollar coins). One day I went to the jar for loose change and found the jar almost empty.
This time when Ray came home I yelled at him. I told him how I had housed him and fed him these past months and if that were
not enough, had he asked me for money I would have given it to him and yet he had it in him to turn around and steal from
me. I told him stealing from me was like stealing from himself. Once again he agreed with me and once again he said he'd make
it up. I told him he could preach, but when it came to living what he preached he fell far short. He always had a come back
and he was always flippant but this time I just got angrier.
It turned out that when he was out "pounding the pavement"
he was actually at the race track wasting his money on bets. Once he won some money and he gave me $50, another time he gave
me some more cash, about $150. All these things I forgave him, after all he was human and I didn't expect perfection. Also,
he was a good companion, except for that chronic problem in the bedroom. I couldn't even touch him, and that was devastating.
We talked about it, I suggested counseling but of course it fell on deaf ears.