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The one thing Ray was consistent about was his faith in Jesus. He
once said something that I'd never heard anyone else say. He said, "If Jesus isn't in heaven then I don't want to go to heaven,"
meaning wherever Jesus was, that's where he wanted to be. That was profound to me. It made a lasting impression on me. It
was from him that I would hear about the Person of the Holy Spirit and the music of Keith Green. Ray was a big Keith Green
fan. Keith Green is the born again singer/prophet of the late 70s early 80s era. He died with two of his children in a plane
crash along with another family and the pilot. He was not yet 30 years old and with no formal training, he and his wife, Melody,
built a ministry, Last Days Ministries, from the ground up.
His wife wrote his autobiography titled appropriately,
"No Compromise". At an early age Keith displayed a gift for music. His career came to an abrupt halt and he set out to search
for the meaning of life. Like everyone else he wanted purpose for his life. His search took him through the Hippie scene,
the Gurus, Eastern Mysticism and New Agers of the day and finally his search ended when he found Jesus.
She wrote:
"When Keith was born, it didn't take long for the distinctive characteristics of this unusual child to emerge..." "By
the time he was three he could sing harmony to his mom's alto - and to everyones amazement he was also strumming a ukulele.
By the time Keith was five he could play anything he heard on his ukulele..." "Upon the publishing of Keith's first song,
at the age of eleven, he became the youngest member of ASCAP-The American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers..."
When
he met Melody, they found they worked well at collaboration and even wrote songs for CBS. The rest as they say is history.
He left a legacy to us, in his music, which played a very prominent role in my coming to saving faith in Jesus. Keith was
a man who not only loved his God but also knew Him in an intimate way and was gifted with the ability to put his feelings
into lyrics. As a result, lives were changed, souls were saved and God was glorified. Ray made sure he laid the foundation
first. He talked all the time about Keith's music, but didn't expose me to the music until later when he had aroused my curiosity.
He did have the book "No Compromise" which I read and boy did I feed on that book!
The Forward, written by a friend,
stirred my own hunger and thirst for Truth. It read like a story: "Once upon a time...a boy was born who was given a great
gift. Deeply talented, trained as a musician, he had a unique ability (some would later say genius) to take spiritual truth
and put it in the language and vocabulary of the common people of his time..." "Many of his songs are simply sermons set to
music - prophetic pieces in harmony that set standards for a generation." "He was controversial. He was criticized. He was
cut off by some and almost canonized by others..." "His life and his work literally affected millions around the world..."
"Keith loved Jesus." "If you have never had the opportunity to share in the life of someone like him who LIVED for Jesus,
you will catch a glimpse of that love in this, his story."
By the time I was through reading the book I couldn't
wait to hear this music. One day Ray produced the cassettes from the Silver collection, Keith's early music. At first the
music seemed strange, even amateurish, but the music just seemed to grow on me. As I listened to the lyrics, I listened for
the ones mentioned in the book such as "There is a Redeemer," "I pledge my head to heaven," and "Your love broke through."
The music touched my heart. I felt the pull. The Holy Spirit was drawing my soul. I yearned for God but I was afraid. Afraid
to trust God because He was calling me to give my all, and there is great fear in giving your all to someone you do not know
and trust, even though that Someone is The One.
I wrote to Keith Green's Ministry, Last Days Ministries, and requested some of their tracts, music and another book containing some of Keith's teachings. The book is titled, "A
Cry in the Wilderness". In it, he spoke about following the Right Gospel and how to recognize the false gospels floating around,
including those that closely resembled the True Gospel. About producing the Fruit of Repentance and considering Yourself Dead, to
stand against the enemy and build a Fire of Holiness, to listen to the High Call and accept suffering and trials. To Shine
with God's Light and pray as a servant, to have Faith that Conquers Worldliness and to beware of spiritual coldness. To Proclaim
Him (Jesus) Lord! The tracts were just as good. They were sermons on paper, challenging, encouraging, and healing. I was starting
to see, for the very first time, the True Nature and Character of God.
Ray could preach a sermon but he could not
live it. He would sit in judgment of everyone and everything, except himself. Most people are this way. That is why Jesus
told us to look within for the Kingdom of Heaven - self-awareness is where it begins. Ray lived off me. That was not Christian.
He wanted to take care of the house while I went out and brought home the bacon. I didn't even mind that. It was the problem
with intimacy or lack of it that was the straw that broke the camel's back. One night he came to bed and just laid there facing
me. I laid there on my back hoping and praying he'd say or do something but he remained silent.
Unable to bear it
any longer I turned away from him and wept. He put his hand on my shoulder in an effort to comfort me. The next day I told
him I couldn't live like this anymore. I told him, "I don't believe there is a God in heaven who wants any of his children
to be miserable." He agreed.
He agreed to everything I said and that made it so difficult to walk away. I told
him if I couldn't have sex with him I was going to get it elsewhere. He said ok, probably thinking I wasn't going to do it
but I did. I prayed to God for wisdom and guidance in this situation. This time it was different for I was doing it openly.
I met a guy, named John. It was a one-time thing but on my way home from John's that night I felt the Grace of God for
the first time in my life. I was shocked and scared. How could a Pure and Holy God allow me to sin this way and then accept
me, for Grace is undeserved respect, it is undeserved acceptance. What does this Grace feel like? It is a peace in your
heart, a knowing that God understands what you're going through. I did something I didn't want to do and He knew it.
I
resolved right then and there on that train that Ray had to go. I was not going to live a double life. When I came home I
told him what I had done and he said nothing. I asked him to leave and he agreed. On October 16, 1995, the day he was to leave,
he got up early in the morning before we were awake and left. When I woke up I noticed his belongings gone and I realized
he had left without returning my spare keys. I didn't feel comfortable at all knowing he was out there with my keys and that
he was a thief.
On the same day I met another young man, from another telephone dating service. We had connected several
days prior. We met at the coffee shop at the end of the strip mall at the corner from where I lived. The moment I laid
eyes on Sam I liked him. He was a handsome, well put together young man, with long blond hair just touching his shoulders
and the most beautiful, intense brown eyes I had ever seen. Four years younger than me, with a soon to be three year old son,
he lived north of Toronto, in the town of Collingwood. He made the trip to come down and meet me. I bought something at the
counter to eat then walked over to his table and said, "Hello Stranger."
We sat and chatted then went for a walk in
the nearby park. He shared his ideas about relationships and what it was he was looking for and it was the same thing that
I was looking for. My first impression of him was that he was a bit superficial and he did not know the Lord. He was carnal
minded but he seemed interested in what I had to say on the subject of Christianity. He was looking for a long-term relationship
and so was I. He believed in giving the other person freedom to go out with their friends and doing what they wanted. I thought
great, here was a man after my own heart. I don't have to change for him and vice versa.
He was serious and I liked
that. I felt we connected because we both wanted the same things or so I thought. At the end of the visit, he walked
me home. I told him I was looking for a believer (Christian). He said he was a Christian too. He said his goodbye and said
he'd call and then he left. I was opening the door to my building when he walked back in, picked me up, swung me round, put
me down and left - without a word. Up till then I didn't know what he thought about me. I went up to my apartment thinking
- "He likes me too!"
A day or two later, Sam called and left a funny message on my answering machine. In it he
said he was "fantastic in bed." Well, call me stupid, but I thought that was his way of saying he was interested in me. Anyway,
when I called him back he invited me to his place in Collingwood for the weekend. So that Friday night I made the trip North
of Toronto, in the pouring rain. It was the first time in all my eleven years in Canada that I had ventured North of the city
and this far. I was nervous and excited at the same time about the possibilities of the weekend and what may come out of it.
When I arrived I met his sister, and his best friend. Apparently they were watching a movie that his best
friend had lent him and it wasn't just any movie. It was pornographic. I didn't think much of it then but later it came back
to me as I got to see more and more of the nature and character of the man whom up to now, is my last love. The weekend went
better than I expected, although I wanted to know Sam better before sleeping with him, the flesh was too weak
When
I came back to Toronto I was happy and fearful, happy that I had someone to love and fearful of being hurt again. A week
later; Ray showed up early one morning - he just let himself in with the spare key and I was too happy to see him to be angry
with him. I was in bed when he came and he just walked right into the room, I jumped out of bed and ran to hug him. For once
he didn't say I was mauling him. I ragged on him for leaving the way he did and for not even calling me. I was worried about
him and I still cared for him despite all he had put me through. Ray took up residence as if he had never left. I made sure
I told him that I had met someone and wanted a chance to have a relationship with the other person.
It didn't seem
to bother him that I was seeing someone else. He said he'd be happy to just help out at home and I could see my boyfriend.
That worked for about a week or two, until Sam came by to see me one day and Ray had to leave. When Sam left, he
borrowed my car to go out and visit his friend, Patrick. He called me from there and we talked for a bit on the phone then
he asked if I wanted to come out to Patrick's with him. It was a weeknight and I had to take Alex to school the next
day. I asked Ray if he would take Alex to school if I went out with Sam and he said he would. Sam came by and picked me up
and we went over to Patrick's place.
Being with Sam was like a dream come true. I felt no pressure from him to be
anything but myself and that was good. He seemed happy with me. If he was unhappy he kept it to himself. If he had things
on his mind he was silent about them. The next morning we left his friend's, place and stopped for breakfast at The Golden
Griddle Pancake house. We enjoyed our breakfast, and then went to pick up his son from his ex's place. We hung out at a nearby
park until it was time to pick up Alex from school, then I dropped them off at the station to catch the bus to Collingwood.
The next weekend, Alex and I went to Collingwood, leaving Ray on his own. Another happy weekend with Sam, but there
was something nagging at me. I was not happy with the arrangement. I had hoped that Ray would want to work things out but
was disappointed with the position he had taken. I kept second-guessing my actions and myself. I wrote Ray a letter and asked
him to give Sam and me a fair chance but it fell on deaf ears. He would not go. One day we had an argument and he
threatened to throw Sam off the balcony if he ever caught him in my home. That was the last straw. From that day on I
sought to get rid of Ray.
I had to go to the management of the building and confessed to them that I had had Ray living
with me and never informed them. The Manager was kind enough to forgive and willing to help me. She wrote an eviction letter
for me. Armed with the letter, I called the police and served Ray with the letter as the cops were coming up the elevator.
Ray was taken by surprised. He had thought I could not get rid of him because I had tried to do that once before but the police
would not remove him because it had been more than six months since he was living with me. My home was now his home, by common
law, and Ray latched on to that thinking he was secure. He even threw it in my face saying, "Go ahead, call the cops, they'll
tell you this is my home too."
Journal
entry: Nov. 3, 1995 - another dark day in my life - please Lord, forgive this hopeless sinner. Ray told me I was going to
hell and that I was a murderer because of the abortions I've had. Father I know I am evil and that I have to repent before
You, Lord. But it hurt when he told me I wouldn't be there - in heaven on that Great Day. I now wonder is there any hope for
me? What should I do with the rest of my life? Is whatever I do going to be in vain? I believe in my heart that anything is
possible with God. And if I am bound to go to hell, I will do so glorifying God. I have no other choice. I belong to You,
Lord. Always.
Ray protested that he didn't
have anywhere to go and that he was going to fight the eviction in court and so on and so forth. I told him to do what he
wanted, but to please leave now, "in peace." I helped him pack. He finally handed over the spare keys and left with the cops.
He actually got the car I bought him, a Volvo. I never drove the car nor did I ever get the promised money for it. Still,
I was rid of that pest and I thought I could go on with my life in peace. Several weeks passed and one day I said to Sam,
"I had hoped Ray and I could at least remain friends, but I haven't heard from him and it hurts."
It was now the Christmas
season of 1995, we had had our ups and downs but Sam and I were still together. He had asked me if I would "show off
your new White man to your family." Reluctantly I took him to meet my family. December 11th was his son's birthday. It was
also Sam's birthday. It would be his son's 3rd birthday and his 27th. I bought them both birthday and Christmas, presents.
Sam also gave me a Christmas present, a horse drawn Cinderella carriage with the prince and princess in it, made out of glass.
(It later suffered the same fate as the relationship, when it fell off the TV and shattered to pieces.)
His child's
mother was very much in the picture and he did an underhanded thing that I didn't like. She used to call at my place to speak
to him whenever he was over at my place. I had gathered that she was not over him, in fact she had hopes of getting back together
with him. I wasn't comfortable with that. I had gotten rid of my obstacle, Ray, but he hadn't. Yes, they had a child together
but so did my ex-husband and I. Granted Saul and I didn't have a good marriage/relationship. Still, I sensed that these two
had unresolved issues. When he asked me to move to Collingwood with him, I balked. I asked, "What if the relationship doesn't
last"? He said, "I'll help you move back to Toronto." That was not reassuring to say the least. If he was trying to
get rid of me it was working.
I felt he still loved his ex even though he said he was not attracted to her. I didn't
think it had to do with attraction, it had to do with the experiences he had had with her and in his past relationships. We,
if we don't resolve our past relationships, bring the baggage from those relationships with us. We are a sum total of our
past experiences. Sam had baggage, unresolved baggage. He had just ended a relationship when we met, so we were both on a
rebound in a sense. I sensed that he was withholding things and I tried to get him to open up. I told him not to ever be afraid
to tell me anything, no matter how painful it may be for me, I would deal with it.
I felt that in order for someone
to open up to me, I had to be open first. So I did - to let him see who I was - that I was vulnerable, that I hurt too. He
did share some things with me, but I sensed he had something big that he was withholding (I had my suspicion about what it
was but I never pried, although I talked around it, I wanted him to tell me on his own). Sadly, he never stayed around long
enough to tell me, he ran away from The Truth and me instead.
He did tell me that from the age of 12-22 he was in
the Presbyterian Church. He said he started going to church because he was a very angry kid. Church, he felt took care of
his anger and fear. Then at 22 when his grandmother died, an acquaintance gave him - to put it in his own words - "a charity
___." He never looked back. He worked as a bellhop at a Downtown Toronto hotel where he had clients giving him the keys to
their rooms. He said he'd been with "over 500 women."
His parents apparently stayed together for the kids' sake, they
split up after the kids grew up. His dad, who was an alcoholic, fell down the stairs of the place where he lived at and died
in 1993-4. He never had a real relationship with his father. I felt he was hurting. I wanted him to share his pain with me,
but he never did. He was not ready to face himself, he was not ready to face The Truth, so he did what came naturally - he
ran.
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