Learning to Trust

Sam and I planned to be together to ring in the New Year. On December 30th, he went to visit his friend, Francis, and he came back home with Francis saying they were going to Collingwood to deliver a present to his friend, Vince. He said he would return the next day with Francis. The next day he called to say that he couldn't make it, that Francis was staying in Collingwood and he'd call me later. After he hung up I thought that something didn't seem right. It dawned on me that that had been the plan from the beginning and that he had played on my trust for him and he lied to me all along. My first reaction after I realized I've been had was anger and pain. The people I love and trust the most are the people who hurt and disappoint me the most. I felt dumped on. I phoned him back and got no answer. I left a message telling him I couldn't talk to him in person and that I needed to work this out on my own. I told him not to call me. I would call him. Then I went to Evangel Temple and rang in the New Year with a bunch of Christians.

On the rebound, I received one of those envelopes in the mail from a Match Making service. I called them up and they asked me to go in to their office. The evening of the appointment found me across the desk of a woman younger than myself, asking me questions about the kind of person I was looking for and my financial situation. I left feeling rather stupid for subjecting myself to this. I realized I was running from the Lord. It is not an easy thing to give up the self-will to someone you do not know and trust even if that Someone is The One.

It takes a certain degree of desperation and courage to trust God. No wonder the Book of Revelation places cowards at the top of the list among those who won't inherit life. See Rev. 21:8.

That is why many times we have to hit rock bottom before we are willing to learn to trust God. We have been so hurt, abused and disappointed by life that only a special grace from God is able to save us. That is why He (Jesus) came. "To seek and to save that which was lost - to call sinners to repentance."

Not all believers come to God that way. I read about a man by the name of Rees Howells, who at the age of twenty-four gave his life to God. He described his encounter with the Holy Spirit, three years after his conversion, this way:

"I saw Him as a person, apart from flesh and blood and He said to me, 'As the Saviour had a body, so I dwell in the cleansed temple of the believer. I am God and I come to ask you to give your body to Me, that I may work through you. I need a body for my temple but it must belong to me without reserve for two persons with different wills can never live in the same body. Will you give me yours? You must go out. I shall not mix Myself with yourself'. I saw the honour He gave me in offering to indwell me but there were many things very dear to me and I knew He won't even keep one of them. The change He would make was very clear. It meant every bit of my fallen nature was to go to the cross and He would bring His own life and His own nature into me. It was unconditional surrender."

He described how God gave him an ultimatum. He had to give God his answer the following week. For the next few days, Howells wept continually. He couldn't eat or sleep and he lost seven pounds. This was the hardest decision he would ever have to make - to hand over his life like a blank cheque to God. Letting go of all his dreams, all his possessions and let the Holy Spirit take full control. Was he willing to let go?

This is what happened when he reached his decision. "Nothing was more real than the process I went through for that whole week...The Holy Spirit went on dealing with me, exposing the root of my nature which was self and you can only get out of a thing what is in it's root. Sin was canceled and it was not sin He was dealing with it was self - that thing which came from the fall. He was not going to take any superficial surrender. He put His finger on each part of my self-life and I have to decide in cold blood. He could never take a thing away until I gave my consent."
(Truly He is a God of great integrity).

Rees Howells went on to become a great missionary, used by God mightily. He was instrumental in bringing about the great Welsh Revival in the early 1900s. He also brought revival to England, Ireland and Africa. It is said that he and his wife went to Africa as missionaries and they gave up their son to relatives to take care of him. God told Howells that he had to give up his son and that he couldn't go to him again. Years later, when that son became a man, he went to Africa to join his parents as a missionary. God is Good!

After all, I had believed and trusted in men who claimed to know God, and I wound up in hell. I wasn't about to trust another. Especially One I couldn't see and I had heard a lot of bad things about Him but they were the devil's lies. I was starting to find out that the bad things I heard about Him were not true. I would have kept running had not the Lord mercifully chastised me. As soon as I stepped out the door of that place, I stepped on the edge of a 2" thick mat and twisted my ankle. On the way home, I felt the same Grace I felt on the train that night coming home from my liaison with John. This was the second time in my life that I felt the Grace of God.

By morning my ankle was swollen and I was limping. My neighbour, Willie, a church going Christian from across the hall came over and in the spirit of Christian charity took me to his chiropractor. The chiropractor said, "You did a good job with that sprain." He said that if I had broken my ankle it would have been easier to heal. He ordered some orthopedics for me and I wore them in my shoes for over a year and still I was not completely healed. It was when I wore a special magnetic ankle wrap purchased from a Network Marketing company, for three days and three nights, that I was completely healed of that sprain.

It was now January, 1996, and I was sporting a sprained ankle. I missed a day of work, but went to work the next day. I decided to go back to Sam and work things out. I felt that God didn't want me running to other men. In fact He had made it abundantly clear. I had a sprained ankle to show. I called up Sam and he said he thought I said it was over. I said I told him I didn't want to talk to him, but I didn't say it was over. I needed time to think if I wanted to continue to see him or not, after all, he dumped on me on old year's night. He wasn't buying. When I phoned him, he would just sit there in silence on the phone, he wouldn't say anything.

Sam didn't call me for a couple of weeks, nor did he return my calls. So I left him a message to come and get his things for he had left his clothes and an expensive baby car seat at my place. One day I phoned him up from work and he answered. I gave him until the end of February to get his things or I'd give them to the Salvation Army.

Journal entry - Jan. 9/96 Dream: Kay (my oldest sister) and Buck (my third sister), and I are together back home in Guyana, sitting on the twin bed in the living room. I asked Kay's forgiveness for what I did to her. Asked her why she still stayed with Tony after all that happened. She said she didn't/couldn't do anything else. She wept. I comforted her, explained he (Tony) kept dogging me. Told her I was sorry for what I did to her. End of Dream.

I know now that I must make peace with the rest of my family if I want to go to my Father in prayer for anything. This will be very hard for me to do but I trust in You my God, to help me. Amen.

I must have dosed off for about a minute, it felt like. I'm holding Sam. He turned and kissed me in his usual sweet manner and said, "We will be children of God," - then, "You'll have to do the talking." I said, "You'll have to talk too." I think my answer was too quick. I awoke.

Early one morning (1:10 a.m.) in January 1996, someone buzzed me on the intercom to my apartment building. When I answered, it was Ray. He asked if he could come up and speak to me. This was the first time I was hearing from him since I kicked him out almost three months prior. So I let him in and he came up. He had been drinking. He apologized to me for what he had said and done to me. He said, "Even when you threw me out, you did not throw it in my face. If it was someone else they would have just let me have it, but you didn't rub it in, even to the end." I told him I forgave him and I said, "God is Good! God is indeed very good!"

It turned out Ray suffered from a condition Science calls, "Manic Depression." After I kicked him out he went to his doctor and was referred to the Clark Institute where he received treatment. He finally sought help but it took kicking him out to get him to do it. Still, Science can only curb the symptom, but Science cannot cure him of his evils. Nor can Science ever cure the evils of the human heart, much less the evils of the world.

Ray asked for a spare mattress and the TV I had in my bedroom and I gave them to him. A week or two later he borrowed $20, (which I never saw again) and switched my car battery with his dead car battery, without telling me. I was so angry I waited several months for him to call me and when he did I let him have it. I told him he was a shame and disgrace to Christianity. He never got another penny from me. We have since made peace, but he is one character I continue to keep at arms length.

Journal entry: Dates to note Jan. 13th. I read a tract "Finding God when you've failed," and I started to pray and worship my Father in spirit. I prayed for Him to show me His will for me. I lifted up Sam and our situation to Him and ask that His will be done in this situation.

Jan. 22nd, Alex went to live with Saul. It was his choice. I realized I needed to do this for both our sakes. I was not fit to be anything, especially a mother. I could not give him the family he needs. I also saw that the Lord intended it this way, so He may do His work in me. He took both Sam and Alex out of the way so He could deal with me. I've known for months now and I told Sam that "He's [God is] preparing me for something..."

January 31st, He (Sam) came and picked up his things, he also returned some things of mine. I gave him a ride to his son mother's place.

Feb. 10th, Sam called from Biovail, he was participating in another study. He said he'd call me back before he leaves the study on Feb. 24th.

21st. I keep remembering that dream of Sam. In my mind there is some unfinished business. I trust this situation into the hand of God. His will be done.

Wed. Feb. 28th. The prodigal spouse (Sam) returned. Said the reason he ran was because he felt like he was in a building that's about to be bombed and all he could do was cover his head. He said it was not his intention to stand me up on old years night. I took him back. I told him I couldn't promise a smooth ride.

March 2nd. Already there seems to be a repeat performance of what happened in January. He left yesterday. Left a message that he was going over to Patrick's place, he'd be home around 8:30p.m. He phoned sometime after 10p.m., said he was staying over at Patrick's. Then when he realized it's Friday night, said he'd come home before midnight. He did not come nor did he call.

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