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January 13th, 1996, I was desperate. I phoned up the Quest chat line
and accidentally connected with a gentleman. We talked for a bit and then I popped the question. "Do you know Jesus?" Big
mistake! He said, "If you ask me that question, I'm going to hang up the phone." I said, "Why?" He said, "Don't ask me that
question, or I'll hang up the phone." I said, "If you hang up the phone, it will help neither one of us." He said, "Everyone
knows Him." That shook me up! I asked him to explain and he said, "We all know who God is. We all run away from Him because
we do not want to acknowledge Him for to acknowledge Him would mean we have to acknowledge the truth about our sinful selves
and we do not want to do that! We are sinful." He said anyone who has the love of God in them would not ask such a question.
That made a whole lot of sense to me.
He said something else to me that I will never ever forget because it was the
turning point of my walking in ignorance up to this moment because according to the teaching of Keith Green, Jesus/God needed
us in order to get the Gospel out to the world. After all, scripture did say we were His hands and feet, and salt and light
of the world. Gary said, "God does not need you. He needs no one." That too made a whole lot of sense. (Later after I received
the indwelling Christ, I questioned the Lord about this seeming contradiction and He impressed on my heart that it is not
God who needs us but our lost brothers and sisters who need God working through us.) From that moment on my thinking began
to be turned upside down. In a good way.
I wrote in my journal: We were both on the system just to talk
and we touched on a few subjects then we got to talking about God. I was shocked at what I heard, no, not in a negative way
- I could hear it in his voice and the authority with which he spoke - I was face to face with the living God and I knew it.
He spoke of Constantine, George Fox the founder of the Quakers movement and the persecution they endured for Jesus
Christ. That God did not need man and does not need to save mankind from himself. God will glorify Himself in man, He does
not need man to glorify Him. That was a revelation to me, I didn't realize how off track I was until now.
He also
said that suffering is necessary, so that we may know our need for God and God only. That Christ's apostles were persecuted
and suffered at the hands of men because they spoke the truth and most people didn't want to hear the truth.
He spoke
about the way the gospel is being preached today, why it is not effective. The Gospel is being preached in a religious way.
We witnesses need to preach the gospel in a non-religious way. To the ones who really are lost. The ones who really need to
hear it, not to the pew-sitting religious fruit-cake who comes Sunday after Sunday to church just to be preached to.
He
said many more things, enough for me to know that what he was saying was not his knowledge, but of God. He spoke of reaching
that place where you are really free from fear. He's at that place. Said he would talk to me again.
God Almighty -
You are truly amazing. Lord forgive my foolishness and glorify Thyself in Thy servant. Thank You Father. Thank You Lord Jesus.
Today I am doubly blessed. Earlier I was feeling down, now I am at peace - Thank You Lord. I love you.
That
night I slept like a baby for the first time ever in my adult life and it wasn't going to be the last.
Gary and I
spoke almost every day for the next two or three weeks. Each time we spoke, he preached a brand of Truth I have yet to hear
come out of any pulpit. Each time he ministered to my condition, I received. His preaching brought me under great conviction.
I felt the burden of my own iniquity. It was a weight upon my heart and soul I couldn't bear. I was going down - I had to
die (to all my selfish desires), had to come to an end of myself/will.
Another Journal entry: ...The weekend
of Feb. 3rd, he (Gary) came over. He had mentioned over the phone earlier (after I asked about a scraping noise I heard over
the phone) that he has been doing Coke. On this weekend I was introduced to Coke. It was a wonderful high. I became very uninhibited
and poured out my heart's desire - how I'm only happy when I'm obedient [to God], when I'm being chastized [by Him] or when
I'm in the Lord's presence, or whenever I'm having fellowship. I also admitted once again how I know I am a sinner, etc. etc.
He said this drug is a truth drug and he believed I was sincere. With the aid of the Coke, this played a vital role in my
receiving of the Holy Spirit. This may sound strange but it is TRUE.
Dear reader, before you dismiss
this as utter garbage, hear me out. Then if you still want to throw this out when you're finished, do it. It is not the drug
that is evil, but the heart that is evil, for out of the heart proceeds all the issues of life. Jesus said, "For out of the
heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies, these are the things which
defile a person," Matt. 15:19.
The drug has never asked anyone to abuse it. We in our rebellion abuse it. So do not
go blaming the substance for making you an addict. That is wrong. Whether it be alcohol, food, sex, money, your addiction
is your weakness (your cross/your sin). None of these things control you. If they do, then you are a slave to it, hence you
are a slave to sin. And only Jesus (or your fear of death) can free you from the bondage of sin, from the bondage of your
own addiction. Jesus will not force Himself on you but death will. You must choose Him over all else or perish (eternal death).
We do NOT need drugs or any other substance to aid us in receiving the Holy Spirit of God. The role the drugs played
was to weaken me. For the flesh (physically and mentally) is at war with the Spirit. In my weakened state, the Spirit was
allowed full reign in my physical body and mind. To renew and regenerate. However, doing drugs is not a recipe for receiving
the Grace of God. I know for a fact that I still would have come to an end of myself had I not done cocaine and my salvation
would have been sweeter but not greater. That is the Truth!
It was the ministering/preaching of Gary that actually
saved me. He said to me, "Someone hurt you or abused you. Who was it and what did they do to you? Was it your mother or father,
or someone else?" I blurted out, "It wasn't my parents. It was my ex-husband (Saul)." "What did he do to you," he said. The
words just came tumbling out. In a few short sentences I told him what my ex-husband did and how he did it all in the name
of God and how I blamed God for not forgiving me, and for allowing my then husband to leave me.
I also confessed the sins
that were weighing on my conscience. I started weeping uncontrollably, so much so that Gary yelled, "If you don't stop crying,
I'm going to leave. My being here is of no use." I stopped crying but inside I needed to let go. I couldn't hold in the pent
up feelings any longer. I'd been carrying around this baggage for years. The tears kept flowing and they flowed for weeks
after that, silent tears. The healing had begun.
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